The Christian Art Of Deference

Tom Wenger is Pastor of the Pasadena Evangelical Presbyterian Church (PCA) and is a Member of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors.

By Pastor Tom Wenger
2003, Pasadena, MD

DEFERENCE

The dictionary defines deference as, "submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgment of another." In a Christian context it has been defined as, "limiting my freedom in order not to offend the personal tastes of those God has called me to serve." This latter definition is useful but it does have some limitations. There may be times that for the cause of Christ I must violate the tastes and preferences of those around me. At issue here is motive. Am I honestly doing this thing that has the possibility of offending others, for the cause of Christ; or am I simply pursuing my own goals and trying to have things my way with no regard to Christ and his Kingdom?

Paul teaches this idea in a number of places. These two express it pretty well:

"'Everything is permissible for me'-- but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me'-- but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Cor. 6:12)

"'Everything is permissible'-- but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'-- but not everything is constructive." (1 Cor. 10:23) "Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (v24)

Paul believed he had considerable freedom. But at the same time he believed that not all things are beneficial. Not every choice would be helpful – not everything he could do would help prosper the Kingdom of God. Additionally he was concerned that in exercising freedom he did not want to end up enslaved by someone or something.

In the second verse he is also concerned that in his freedom, he would not seek his own good only but also the good of others. This is where freedom and deference are on a collision course.

When we are in a relationship or situation where we must have regular contact with another person and we have a particular habit, manner or custom that would prove to be offensive to that other person – what should we do? How does Paul’s statement about seeking the good of others come to be applied in our everyday world?

Paul also exhorts: Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. (Rom 14:19)

So, the approach should be this: Out of love for Christ we surrender our legitimate freedom to do something in order to promote peace and the edification of another person. Let’s pretend I am working a construction job for a Christian man who came to this country from somewhere else in the world. Let’s say, I have complete freedom in my conscience to wear cut-off jeans on the job – but I also know that he would be grieved, that I as a brother in Christ would do such a thing (given his background). Would it not be better, and promote the peace better, if I were to curtail my freedom and be sensitive to his conscience on that issue? It would also honor him as my employer.

Being brothers in Christ, it is also open to us to discuss the matter and for me to try to encourage him to be freer in his own conscience. The goal of edification is best served by my deferring to him first. This may in turn open the door for good conversation on the matter.

What Did Jesus Do

Let us briefly reflect on the deference Christ showed us in his humiliation as our redeemer. Philippians 2:3-8 speaks to the point:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross!"

Out of love and concern for our lost and helpless condition, Christ voluntarily took on the task of redeeming us. He agreed to be incarnated into human flesh, he lived under the law – and obeyed it, he willingly went to the cross to take the punishment that we deserved, he died and was buried for us. All this was done for our benefit. Our salvation adds nothing to God. He was eternally complete in himself - in need of nothing! He redeemed us and still has to put more into us than he will ever get from us. The entire message of the Bible is God reaching out to needy, hopeless, rebellious people and blessing them despite their waywardness.

Encouraging Others to Sin

Are there times when we ought not to defer to others desires? There is a clear example in the Bible when this was the case. Peter was trying to defer to the Judaizers, while Paul opposed him to his face for hypocrisy and promoting another Gospel! The natural tendency will be to refuse to defer for selfish reasons – but let us never weaken the Gospel for the purpose of deference! There are times we need to take a stand against someone else’s sin and to defer is to be complicit in it. We need to encourage one another toward love and good deeds and we ought not to encourage the continuation of sin.

This gets sticky is when a Christian is demanding, in a legalistic sort of way, that you bend your conscience to theirs, when they have no biblical authority for their opinion. This was one of the issues of the Reformation. The Reformers taught that the conscience is free except where bound by scripture – we are not under all sorts of “spiritual” laws and regulations made up by men.

We can defer in such situations but we need to ponder it carefully. By deferring in these situations you may, in fact, be encouraging sin or the part of the person who is doing the demanding by contributing to their Phariseeism.

Here again, we have the example of Jesus. Rarely, did he defer to the Scribes and Pharisees. He did what he knew to be right relative to Sabbath observance, dealing with Gentiles, touching Lepers, etc.

Had he exercised deference toward them in these things he would have corrupted himself with their sinful elitism.

Bringing it Home

As mentioned before, most often the issues will not necessarily be of this nature, dealing with modern Pharisees, but rather, they will be the opportunities we have right in our own homes to minister to and serve others. We can defer on things like food, music, furniture, decoration, and the list can go on and on.

This issue is, do we love the people around us enough that we want them to have things their way? Is it more important that our spouses and children are pleased with a situation - or do we demand to have it our way? Here is where deference really makes a difference. (O my, was that a clever line?)

We are so inclined to demand and fight for our own way, when deference could make huge strides toward peace. Is this not what Paul had in mind when he said in Philippians 2 – a passage quoted above: "then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

How hard this is for us. We naturally consider ourselves the prima-donna of the universe. So genuinely considering others as more important, takes the work of the Holy Spirit in us, breaking us loose from all our natural inclination toward selfism.

Where this gets particularly difficult is trying to defer in a situation where there is no reciprocity. Jesus spoke of this in Mat 5:44-48,

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

God has dealt with us forever with no commensurate reciprocity, so why should we withhold deference just because we get no pay back? Well we shouldn’t. We are to love as Christ has loved us. In order to do this, we need to keep our focus on what Christ has done for us and the degree of his deference to us. We will always fail if we just try to tough it out and just do it. True deference needs to spring from a heart turned away from itself and to the Savior – a heart from which kindness springs as a fruit of the Spirit.

List some situations where deference is difficult. Why are these hard? How will meditating of Christ’s work for you help in these situations?
List ways in which you could practice deference toward other family members.
Re-read the scriptures referenced in this pamphlet. Are there other verses that come to mind that support the idea of deference? List them and meditate on them as well.
Make deference a matter of personal prayer: